We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
