so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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