just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
