I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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