My friends, they love my intelligence
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
