How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
