also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
