I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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