Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
