Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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