the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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