Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
