I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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