I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Randomize
