i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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