We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
