i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
