I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
True college students do jello shots in the library
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