i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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