She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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