I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You ate ashes out of my bong
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
