My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
