I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
