You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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