this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
