just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
