I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Randomize
