I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize