Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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