why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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