Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
