We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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