What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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