how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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