dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
