I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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