So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
