I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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