Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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