i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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