Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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