he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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