I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
50% drunk capacity currently
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
