You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
