this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
