How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
