went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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