masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
