I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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