My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
