Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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