I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
