I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
