There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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