I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She has the best kind of daddy issues
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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