i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
