i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
